I logged into Facebook yesterday, and on my home page was the notice that it was the birthday of a guy I used to work with many years ago.
He was one of those people who moved to another city and in an earlier time I likely would never had heard from or seen again, but then Facebook came along and we connected there. There was a friends request sent and accepted, and that was really it for any interaction. By then we had both left the company, and there wasn't really much left to be said. The years passed, and I don't think I ever looked him up again.
So, his birthday reminder was nothing unusual except for the fact that this guy was now dead. One day over the summer I read online that he had dropped his kids off at his sister's house, shot his wife -- they were separated -- and then killed himself.
But, as often happens when people die, his Facebook page lived on, and now there is a notice from Facebook reminding me that today would have been his birthday. To Facebook, today still is his birthday.
I was curious to see what was written on his wall. It was filled with well wishes from family members and friends, all of whom knew he was dead and, I assume, knew how he died.
The wishes were all positive:
Happy Birthday up there in Heaven :)
Happy birthday Thinking of you and the family, especially the children.
Happy birthday cuzn, missing u!!!
I didn't expect to see a string of indictments. I would imagine that everyone from his wife's family had long since unfriended him. But, I was surprised to see so much unconditional love expressed. Not one note even saying something like, "We'll never understand, but we'll miss you anyway." Just good wishes for an eternity in heaven..
Frankly, I don't wish the guy an eternity in hell. He must have been well beyond a health mental state when he did what he did. But, I think it says a lot about how wired we are to forgive those we care about, that so many people found it in them to share nothing but love and forgiveness in a public forum.
We focus a lot on how Facebook is changing the barriers between public and private. How the drunken photo posted in college can derail a career decades later, or how an indiscreet comment about a coworker can lead to workplace issues.
I wonder, though, how the grieving process is changing in a Facebook world, a world where every aspect of the person's online life is still there as a reminder of who they were and what they did. A world where we can can still celebrate milestones of people who are long gone, and leave a few words for everyone to see. A world where we can still stand by the person, good or bad, long after he or she is gone.
And a world where we will be annually reminded of the person's death because Facebook still thinks he's alive.
In some ways the nature of grief is already changing to a more public one. I marvel at the number of cars that have a sticker on the back window reading "In Memory Of" and some person's name and date of birth and death. To me they say that the person is missed.
But, on Facebook, everyone gets to add their own thoughts. You can still wish your dead friend or colleague a happy birthday, and your own friends can see that wish for someone they might never have known..
It's grieving made less private, more forgiving and possibly more cathartic. But I wonder if it's less introspective and better.